Day 10

Well tomorrow I am off to Wadi Rum, Aqaba and Petra for the weekend so the blogging for the next couple of days will be delayed. I’m excited to come back with stories and pictures for you all to hear and see.

Otherwise, there are a couple of points I’d like to make about opinions and misconceptions regarding the place in which I currently reside. Living here, in the Middle East, as a woman can be a very uncomfortable experience, especially with very low levels of Arabic. I am often surrounded by Americans in my program, in my apartment space and in class and there are statements made that are easily justifiable, statements from people back home which, without firsthand knowledge, seem perfectly rational. The truth is that until you have lost yourself in one of these countries with some of these people, listened to them speak about themselves and others, until you have tasted the food they cook and felt their warmth and genuity, the statements you make are simply unfounded. I am by no means the connaisseur of Arab culture, as if there were one to define. I am certainly not the authority nor trying to make generalized statements about the population to prove any point. But I have lived here now for a little bit and am starting to sense a pattern with regards to my own personal experiences. I talked earlier about the idea of marginality. That is the name of my blog.

While many of these experiences apply to many of the women on the program, I will speak only for myself. There are stark contrasts here that are hard to miss, especially during Ramadan. As a white woman without a hajib, I am constantly honked at, cat called, verbally harassed, whistled at, etc. everywhere I go. When I get in the cab, the cab driver asks me if I am married, he asks me where I am from and depending on my answer will take numerous unnecessary back roads to get where I need to go, he will “forget” to put on the meter or tell me it is broken so as to set his own price. Wherever I walk, I feel as though there are eyes on me all the time. I cannot eat or drink in public and while I joked about having to eat in a bathroom when I was home, I am often confined to toilet stalls and emergency stair exits in order to not faint. I am in the desert and surrounded by men and women who are dressed in heavy coverings from head to toe who are not hydrating. We cannot buy our books in a bookstore and often share one textbook for the whole class. The food and water can make you sick if you aren’t careful and the weather in the middle of the day can be oppressive.

Why would I come here? Why wouldn’t I go to a place to which my school offers abroad programs? And why dear God, wouldn’t I go to a place that is reputed for its political stability, beaches and parties?

I came here for very selfish reasons. I came because when I go home, I want to be able to break down everything you thought was true and show you why it is or why it isn’t. I want to learn about a culture that is represented in one very particular way in our media and I want to break down these ideas of normativity. I can’t understand without the language. I am learning the language. A kid in my Arabic class today said, “So when we read numbers, we read it the right way, but spell it the wrong way?” Normativity. It’s been said that fasting, or wearing the clothes during Ramadan is just stupid. It’s hot. I’ve heard that the pace used here does not accommodate many students, and that the manner in which business is conducted is corrupt.

Connections get you ahead. Sometimes I am tempted to wear strapless tops, to wear shorter skirts, no scarf on a low cut neckline. You can, surely and some people do. No one cuts off your hands or sends you to jail. But with a majority of the population trying to be modest, and reflective, your distractions for personal flaunting rights, or comfort (although wearing little clothing will not make you comfortable) are just unnecessary. I like to respect humanity and when I understand what they are doing it for, I respect their beliefs. You are very welcome here when you go with, as opposed to criticize. You do not have to be mindless. You are not expected to concede and become a lowly sheep. The women are tough, free thinkers, critical analyzers, witty, and certainly not pushovers.

Logic and reason versus personal connections and bonds, legality versus emotionality, detachment versus substantial psychological investment. These are prime differences. It does not simply come down to the differences in war versus peace, monarchy versus democracy, in women’s clothing, in levels of comfort. I already outlined these differences for you, I told you that these are different and can be uncomfortable. Understanding culture does not mean being stagnant or rigid. Understanding the psychology of a person does not mean listening to someone else talk about them. Becoming an intelligent human being does not mean judging without experiencing, without listening.

Things are different in the states. When you buy an internet router, no one cares who your uncle is. When you go to a market, no one expects you to haggle and discuss who is coming to Iftar at the same time, no. Things move more slowly here; business is taken care of by the time it needs to be taken care of. People take the time to get to know one another; people are genuinely kind and hospitable. They have nothing to gain by asking you your life story, and trying to use their broken English in your attempt to use Arabic. People are devout, but this does not mean there are no atheists, there are no Christians, there are no Muslims who care to incorporate elements of modern science and ijtihad (independent reasoning) into their daily lives. The fact that the alphabet goes another way does not make it “wrong” and the fact that men cat call you because you are not covered is not unprovoked. You are defying the customs, pushing the envelope and do not think for a second that because you can wear shorts and flaunt your body in one country that your customs are superior to the concept of modesty. People are not backwards, they are not behind the times. This is also not oppression. I have no husband, no one to whom I am expected to answer, but I do not like to reveal my body because that is not the mark of beauty here, that is just provocative.

There are differences that need to be allowed and respected, not tolerated, but accepted in order to grow with people, as opposed to away from them. There is a holy book here that lifts spirits higher than any intellectual kafir I’ve met back home.

The standards for life, for what is important, and what constitutes success are entirely different. People care about their families. Men rush home to be with their wives and children for dinner and nothing can get in the way. A divorce rate of 1 in 2 or 1 in 3 is unthinkable. Abuse is not rampant. The average lifespan is 78.7, just like the US. Money is important to live, but the standards for a good life do not involve Nissan Xterras and half million dollar houses. They don’t even involve dryers. Of course there are Jordanians who love to live in the lap of luxury. Just like everywhere. It is true that your neighbors come over to your apartment unannounced to bring you mensaf or khobz because you probably don’t know anyone and they would like you to chat and to come over for tea. Often they come without calling because they don’t have a phone. Most times they walk because they don’t have a car. Is this inferior? Do your neighbors care? Do they come over 2-3 times a week and want to know how your mother is? Does she miss you? If you tell the cab driver you are married and have no children, he will ask “WHY!”. Families are big, people love children, respect the elderly and care deeply for their friends. While it is not customary to show your knees here, it is not customary to walk shirtless in the states. So there are differences. It isn’t customary for people in the US to walk you to your destination, no matter how close or far; it is here. There are differences. There is no toilet paper, you bring your own. You get over it. Just because you are used to one way of living, does not mean the other extreme is inferior. It does not mean that it is corrupt. It also does not mean there is no corrpution, just like any country. Just like the US.

Getting comfortable in a routine happens here, just like it does in the states. Before you decide that you live in the richest country in the world, just question what “rich” entails. I hope you are living richly. I hope if you aren’t that you find the will to seek out what could make the difference, how you could change to first make yourself better, happier, fuller, and with that knowledge influence others. And then learn to respect the happiness of others. You don’t know what you are missing until you try.